I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
