Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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