sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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