dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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