You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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