Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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