The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
