the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize