How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
