why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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