I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
