I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
