I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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