My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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