I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
