Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
