I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Randomize
