you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
