I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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