Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
im six kinds of drunk right now
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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