So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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