1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize