Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize