dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
