My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
