god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
