Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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