Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
