Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
