I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
