If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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