The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
