i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You took a bar mat shot.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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