You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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