I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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