we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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