This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
