It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
