What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
