Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
