it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
If I die, sorry about rent.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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