Where did you get a picture of my penis
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize