you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
