I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
honey bunches of taint.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
either way he was missing a nipple.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
