apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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