you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
