So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
