This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
