weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
