If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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