Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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