she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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