OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
