my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
