dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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