we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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