The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
