i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
