So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Randomize
