I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize