Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
