why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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